Is free will an oxymoron?

Sunday, Apr. 7, 2002 - 3:35 am
Ap�sl�min ida corbalanyrtne 'ls�o rohl'daathi�m v� nen�a iroyss�rd.

I suppose you've noticed that the title of this diary is "I am standing in a wide open space with a slow-motion volcano in my heart."

Yeah, well. I know it's a long title. So what? The Bible has a short snazzy title and it's a big, fat, fuckin' bore of a book.

The title comes from a past horoscope for Leo, which I saved because I liked it. No great significance, no tortured Freudian motivation, I just liked it. I've lost the author of the horoscope, but I'm pretty sure it was the work of Rob Brezsny. There's a link to Brezsny's site (http://www.freewillastrology.com/) on my "older entries" page. I think astrology is a crock of bullshit, basically, but for entertainment value, I find Brezsny amusing and even insightful. I'm a Capricorn, but since I don't appreciate the terribly important distinctions between sun signs, I have no misgivings about appropriating whichever horoscope I like best. A Leonine augury will work as well for me as any other.

This was the complete horoscope:

"Play a joke on your fear, Leo."

No prob. I habitually mock my fears.

"Elude 'helpers' who force you to need them."

S.O.P.

"Ask a soul-deepening question you've never had enough courageous curiosity to imagine..."

I'm three-for-three on this, so far. Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday I think up a soul-deepening question before breakfast. I set aside at least 45 minutes every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday for exercising my courageous curiosity. On Mondays, I rest. I would rest on Sundays, but that's God's day to rest, and I take pains to make sure no one confuses Him with me.

"Stand in a wide open space and pray for a slow-motion volcano in your heart."

Huh?

That one stymied me. (We all should use "stymie" more often. It's a great word, isn't it?) So tell me, exactly what are you doing when you stand in a wide open space praying for a slow-motion volcano in you heart? At first, I thought I had a sense of what it meant, but the more I looked at it, the more it eluded me. And the more it eluded me, the more I liked it. I like ambiguous things. I think we live in an ambiguous world, but we have these persistent brains that constantly struggle to impart clarity and meaning to everything. Or at least the illusion of clarity and meaning. If I was the least bit inclined to give advice, I would tell people to embrace more enigmas. Which at least remind us that the world was not formed in a human mind, and our enlightenment is not the reason for the existence of the universe.

And stars do not revolve for the convenience of our horoscopes.

"Go wash some water."

That's the last line of the horoscope. I put it in my html as a title for my email link. If you hover your cursor over "contact me" in the upper left part of this page, a tag will appear that sez "Wash some water." That's the sort of thing that amuses me. You've probably already noticed that all of the links have dumb jokes in their tags.

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Ap�sl�min ida corbalan� 'lse nesgla ugar�-cham sa cru ogrulho bat�oltha al�mv�sde.

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