Catechism

Friday, May 24, 2002 -
Ap�sl�min ida corbalanyrtne 'ls�o rohl'daathi�m v� nen�a iroyss�rd.

Speaking of paradise.... here's a modest example, written by moi, of how one can have Fun With Faith. This was originally written as a series of responses to a discussion on a message board....

'Zaziel writes:
Thinking about God calling DH home reminds me of another post where someone (I'm sorry, I don't know who, they posted anonymously) assured me that God gives me a choice of my Eternal Domicile. You know, the usual choice: heaven or hell. 'Cept Catholics, they get a third choice. I�ve been thinking about this for several days now. Really thinking about it. I'd like to share a little fantasy all this thinking has inspired. But I've got to go sleep the sleep of the righteous right now. I'll come back this evening, okay? Talk among yourselves till then. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
(Wednesday, September 05, 2001 at 12:52:35 (PDT))

'Zaziel writes:
Last night I was going to tell y'all �bout something I've been mulling over in my cortical substances for several days now. One of our anons told me that God gives me a choice. Heaven or Hell. It's up to me. But last night I couldn't be here because something else, uh, came up. Yeah. Well, never mind about that... So I was thinking... what if God really does exist....
(Thursday, September 06, 2001 at 20:35:15 (PDT))

Let's set the scene: I'm dead and I have arrived at the Pearly Gates Of Heaven, and I'm sort of milling around with a bunch of other dead people. Then God comes over to me and says, "Hey, 'Zaziel, how's it going?" And I say "Hey, God, not so bad, especially considering that I'm dead." And He sez, "Betcha this is all a big surprise to you, ain't it?" And I say, "Yeah, it sure is, man!"

2 I tell God that He is looking very fine (because maybe it's never too late to suck-up.) But really, The Guy looks great. His whole ensemble has been put together with an impeccable sense of classic style. (No surprise that God is into the classics.) He's got the flowing white hair, and the flowing white beard, thick and shining and wavy, just the perfect cut for him. Makes a wonderful frame for His noble brow and His leonine face glowing with that Regal But Benevolent Gaze Of Wisdom thing he does so well. He looks stunning in his snow-white robes, which are draped in such a way that you know He�s got a great-looking body under them. Probably the Most Perfect Bod in the universe.

3 And then God speaketh unto me, "So, you know why you're here, dontcha?" And I say, "Uhh...maybe I better not guess on that one, seeing how I've been wrong so far. Maybe you better tell me why I'm here." So God sez, "It's quite simple really. You've got a choice to make. Where do ya wanna spend your Afterlife, Zaz? Heaven or Hell?"

4 I think about it for a sec and then say, "You mean, I gotta choose between an Eternal Life Of Excruciating Pain And Torment, or an Eternal Life Of Divine Bliss?" And God sez, "Yep, that's the deal. So what's it gonna be, Z?" And I say, "Well, uh, I choose Heaven, God."

5 He laughs and slaps me on the back, and sez, "Of course you do. A real no-brainer, huh?" I laugh, weak with relief, and say "Yeah. A no-brainer. Good one, God." God chuckles and winks at me, and sez, "You'd be surprised at how many people pick the Other Place, Z my man. It's amazing how many people want to be punished for their sins. Real dimwits. This is Heaven, there's no sin here. Like, duh."

6 And thus God and me get into a little dialog:

7 God: "Z, you would not believe the number of people who never use the brain I made for them. It's a sacrilege! Dammit, I worked my ass off creating the human brain, and I'm damn proud of it! But for the bulk of mankind I should've saved my sweat. I could've given them the brain of an oyster and they would have done just fine. In fact, they would have been a helluva lot happier."

8 Z: "Uh, oysters have brains...?

9 God: "No, they don't. That's the whole point of the metaphor. Did you know I was forced to invent Purgatory for those idiots?

10 Z: "Uh, really?"

11 God: "Damn fool souls are totally unprepared to enter Heaven. Don't have a clue. They have to take an intensive course of study on How Not To Be An Asshole. Sometimes it takes them a couple of millennia to figure it out."

12 Z: "So... um... there's no Hell?"

13 God: "Oh, yeah, sure there is. It's the place I made for Lucifer for when he wants to sulk. He enjoys brooding, that boy. He needed a place of his own so I gave him Hell. He's turned it into a nightclub, it's very cool. Not as cool as Heaven, of course."

14 Z: "No, no, of course, nothing could be as cool as Heaven."

15 God: "You can quit sucking-up now, Zaz. Don't worry, baby. You're in."

16 Z: "Them's just the facts, God. You're the coolest.

17 And then God sayeth unto me: "I'd love to hang with you, Z my man, but I've got a million things to do. Nope, make that a gazillion things to. Ah, heck, who am I kidding--I've got an infinite number of things to do."

18 Z: "Well, you're an infinite kind of guy."

19 God: "This is true. Want to know what I like best about infinity, Zaz?"

20 Z: "Oh, yeah, lay it on me, Lord."

21 God: "There is always something new to learn."

22 Z: "But....you know everything, don't you?"

23 God: "Oh, yeah. Every single fuckin' thing in the universe."

24 Z: "Then how can you learn something new?"

25 God: "That's how infinity works. I have infinite knowledge, and I have an infinite number of new things to learn."

26 Z: "Isn't that a paradox?"

27 God: "Sure is. Ain't it a beaut?"

28 Thus speaketh the Lord to me, "I've gotta go, Zaz. Lemme find someone to show you around the place." So God yells out, "Hey, Gabe! Come on over here! I got someone here I want ya to meet." And this black fellow with gold wings walks over to us. And he is this absolutely, incredibly, drop-dead gorgeous hunk of an Archangel. Soft, smooth mocha skin, hair like carved jet, large liquid eyes the color of Hershey syrup....

The King Of Kings has to get back to his jobs as The Absolute, The Infinite, The Eternal, The Omnipotent, The Everlasting, The Almighty, and The Tutelary Creator And Author Of All Things. So thusly he summons the Archangel Gabriel and sez to him, "Gabe, I'd like you to meet 'Zaziel. Take him on the fifty-cent tour and show him a good time." And with that, with a flash of light and a roll of thunder, God vanishes.

2 I blink my eyes, trying to get the dazzle out of them, and say, "Shit, that's a good trick. Kind of unnerving, though."

3 And Gabriel sez unto me, "Well, that's God for you. He has to make a spectacle of Himself. Everybody expects that." This dusky-skinned stud with lustrous eyes and gleaming wings the color of clouds at sunrise is grinning at me. Teeth glistening like starlight on snow. He sez, "You do understand, don't you? That he's not really gone, because He is The Omnipresence, and stuff like that." And I say, "Oh, yeah. That's real cool the way that works."

4 I'm finding it hard to keep from staring in dumb lust and adoration at this luscious demigod standing next to me. And the situation is not helped by the fact that all he's wearing is this fetching white silken micro-mini skirt, and a gold bandolier. I can see the necessity of the bandolier, which has little button-flap pouches on it, because obviously this guy has nowhere to put a pocket in that brief flimsy kirtle he's wearing. I am at serious risk of drooling.

5 But instead of standing there with my tongue hanging out of my head, I start talking.

6 Z: "Where do we begin this tour?"

7 Gabriel: "Anywhere you want to, 'Zaziel. We want your Everlasting Paradise to be perfect."

8 Z: "Well, actually, I'd like to start with a few questions...."

9 Gabriel: "That's so cool, we angels love questions, and here in Heaven we're finally allowed to tell you all the answers. But I betcha I know what your first question is gonna be."

10 Z: "Really? What?"

11 Gabriel: "'Is there sex in Heaven?'"

12 Z: "Shit, man, I guess you really do know me."

13 Gabriel: "Naw, that's everybody's first question. You can't be a liar in Heaven, you know, so nobody can pretend that chastity is good for you."

14 Z: "So that means...?"

15 Gabriel: "Let me show you something."

16 He lifts up the hem of his skirt. "Does this answer your question?" And there, hanging between the carved ebony of his most magnificently shaped thighs, is one of The Most Resplendent Dongs In All Creation. Gabriel grasps my hand and brings it to his crotch, and places that hot, ponderous weight in my palm. "You don't think God gave me a piece like this for nuthin', do ya?" For once in my afterlife, I am speechless. It's an injustice to use words like "long" and "thick" to describe this Divine Work Of Art. You need words like "majestic" and "lavish" and "Herculean" and "transcendent". And most wonderfully, it is the exact color of dark semi-sweet chocolate.

17 "This is very nice," I say inadequately.

18 Gabriel chortles softly, a marvelous sound, like water chuckling over stones. "I betcha I know your second question," he sez. "Hmmm?" I say. "You're wondering if God has one of these?" sez this Angelic Entity, twitching his Divinely Delectable Dick. I blush. "Uh, yeah, that was one of my questions."

19 "Oh, He's got one, Zaz. Yes indeedy. After all, He is The Progenitor Of Progenitors."

20 Then the Archangel Gabriel speaketh thusly unto me: "So what're you in the mood for? Would you like to attend an orgy, or would you prefer something a little more entre nous?"

21 I give his Celestially Sublime Pud an experimental squeeze and say, "I think this is all I need right now. To begin with." And my Seraphic Stud sez, "Let's go some place private and make ourselves more comfortable."

22 So he takes me in his creamy-coffee arms like tree branches, if tree branches can ripple with superbly delineated muscles. And he spreads his great gold wings and flies me off to some place very private, and we get very comfortable indeed.

23 And while we are so very comfortable, I ask this Ravishing Son Of God (while he is ravishing me) a third question. "You know... oh... I read someplace... uh... that according to Islamic doctrine... oh, yeah, darlin'... right there, that's the place... according to Islamic tradition...ooh... the climax of the act of love... uhh... lasts a thousand years...ohh... in...mmh... Heavehhnn... nenh...nnh...."

24 And Gabriel answers thusly, "Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Shinto, Hinduism, Taoism, Buddhism... it�s all the same up here."

25 And I say, "Oh, wow... oww... does that mean... nnh... that you...uhh... and me... oh, please... that we...? Oh, please... please... oh, God.... oh, God...."

26 And he sez, "Oh, yeah, baby. It's time to please God. Give it up for the Lord, stud."

27 A millennium later....

<~>
Ap�sl�min ida corbalan� 'lse nesgla ugar�-cham sa cru ogrulho bat�oltha al�mv�sde.

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